Pop the champagne corks and fire up the automated espresso machines — eCoffee has reached a milestone worth celebrating.
The coffee megacorporation announced yesterday that it has successfully driven its 4,000th independent coffee shop out of business, bringing Metro City one step closer to "beverage uniformity."
"This is what progress looks like," said eCoffee CEO Harrison Blake, standing in front of a display showing 4,000 crossed-out shop names. "Four thousand inefficient, inconsistent, personality-having coffee establishments — eliminated. Four thousand neighborhoods that now enjoy the standardized eCoffee experience."
The Latest Casualty
The latest victim was "Bean There, Done That," a family-owned café that had served the Riverside District for 23 years. Owner Maria Gonzalez, 58, was present at the press conference, though it's unclear why she was invited.
"My grandmother started that shop in 2022," Gonzalez said, visibly confused by the celebratory atmosphere. "We knew everyone's name. We had a community bulletin board. We let people stay as long as they wanted."
Blake nodded sympathetically. "And that's exactly the problem. Knowing names? Unprofitable. Community boards? Liability risk. Letting people stay? Lost revenue per seat-hour. eCoffee has optimized every aspect of the coffee experience."
The eCoffee Efficiency Model
The company's approach includes:
• Algorithmic seating (20-minute maximum stay)
• Dynamic pricing (coffee costs more when you seem tired)
• Mandatory app-based ordering (no human interaction necessary)
• Standardized everything (same cup, same music, same existential emptiness worldwide)
"When you walk into an eCoffee in Metro City, it's identical to an eCoffee in Tokyo, London, or the Mars Colony. We've removed all the inefficiency of local character, personal relationships, and that thing humans used to call 'ambiance.'"
— Harrison Blake, eCoffee CEO
Customer Reactions
Some customers have praised the change.
"I don't want a barista who knows my name," said financial analyst Derek Morris, 34, speaking rapidly from what appeared to be a caffeine tremor. "I want a machine that dispenses my customized caffeine solution in 47 seconds or less. eCoffee respects my time by removing all possibility of human connection."
Others were less enthusiastic but acknowledged resistance is futile.
"I miss the old shops," admitted teacher Linda Park, 45. "But everywhere I go, it's eCoffee now. There's nothing else left. So I've learned to love it. I have no choice but to love it."
Looking Ahead
eCoffee stock rose 4.2% on the announcement. Blake noted that the company is "on track to achieve complete coffee hegemony in Metro City by 2048."
"Some people call us a monopoly," Blake said, sipping from a $14 algorithmic-temperature-adjusted oat milk latte. "We prefer 'default beverage provider.' After all, you can't have a monopoly if there's simply no one else left to compete with."
The site of "Bean There, Done That" will be converted to an eCoffee by next month. Gonzalez has not announced her future plans, though eCoffee has offered her a position as a "Beverage Distribution Associate" at $14 per hour.
"They said I could keep wearing my grandmother's apron," Gonzalez said flatly. "As long as I sew their logo over the name she embroidered."